


The Moste Excellente Historie of Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets

by Septimus Malfoy (septimusmalfoy)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-14 13:13:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2193111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septimusmalfoy/pseuds/Septimus%20Malfoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an adaptation of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in the style of a Shakespearean play, with all the conventions thereof. Essentially, this means a lot of blank verse in iambic pentameter, numerous puns and stealthy sex jokes, and somewhat amusing stage directions. The plot you probably know; it is mostly the same with minor alterations or omissions (though not as bad as the movies, mind you!).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Moste Excellente Historie of Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets

The Moste Excellente Historie of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

 

**Dramatis Personae**

_Students of Hogwarts_

HARRY POTTER _, the Boy-who-lived_

RONALD WEASLEY, _Harry’s friend_

HERMIONE GRANGER, _Harry’s other friend_

FRED & GEORGE WEASLEY, _Ronald’s brothers_

GINNY WEASLEY _, Ronald’s sister_

DRACO MALFOY, _a Slytherin student_

CRABBE & GOYLE, _Malfoy’s henchmen_

MARCUS FLINT, _captain of the Slytherin quidditch team_

OLIVER WOOD, _captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team_

COLIN CREEVY, _a first-year student_

JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY, _a second-year student_

 

_Teachers of Hogwarts_

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, _Headmaster_

MINERVA McGONAGALL, _transfiguration teacher_

SEVERUS SNAPE, _potions master_

GILDEROY LOCKHART, _defence against the dark arts teacher_

POMONA SPROUT, _herbology teacher_

ARGUS FILCH _, caretaker_

MADAM POMFREY, _nurse_

RUBEUS HAGRID _, gamekeeper_

 

_Others_

CHORUS

VERNON DURSLEY, _Harry’s uncle_

ARTHUR WEASLEY, _Ronald’s father_

MOLLY WEASLEY, _his wife_

DOBBY, _a house-elf_

LUCIUS MALFOY, _Draco’s father_

CORNELIUS FUDGE, _Minister for Magic_

TOM RIDDLE, _former student of Hogwarts_

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK, _the Gryffindor house ghost_

MOANING MYRTLE _, a ghost_

ARAGOG, _an acromantula_

 

_Extras_

Lockhart’s Admirers

Students

Teachers

Ghosts

Owls

Acromantulae

a Cat

a Basilisk

* * *

 

**Prologue**

_Enter Chorus._

CHORUS:

A darkness of unequaled infamy

In Hogwarts fair, for thence our scene doth lay,

Released from ancient seal by treachery

Shall sow but endless havoc and dismay.

 

To slay the beast within the castle walled

And spare from harm each undeserving life,

The Boy-who-lived is once again forth-called

To seek by destiny a deadly strife.

 

The hidden chamber of the Serpent Lord

He must with magic art and wit locate

And end, by force of wand or mighty sword

The secret horror, ere it be too late.

 

Shall he succeed, or most ignobly die?

This way I pray you turn each willing eye!

 

_Exit Chorus._

* * *

 

 

**ACT I**

 

**Scene I** _: Harry’s bedroom at 4 Privet Drive._

 

_Harry discovered at his desk._

 

**HARRY** : Oh, woe is me! For more than month or so

Condemn’d am I betwixt these cursèd walls,

As beast of wild, or criminal most cruel

Alone to languish in a prison caged.

With casted steel and unyielding locks

Mine hateful uncle hath so long conspired

To rob me of my friends and magic art.

The fool! His feeble mind compr’endeth not

The gifts of magic. If only laws did not forbid

The use of spells before his unenlightened kind.

His glutt’nous flesh to pork I should transform

And glut myself in vengeance most deserv’d!

 

_Harry rises from his desk._

 

The day before today was when my twelfth

Sojourn around our blessèd Star was done,

And though no gratulation nor a gift

From uncle or from cousin I expect,

Yet still my heart is rend with painful woe

For I have been forsaken by my friends!

No word or letter did I once receive

From fair Hermione, or Ron, or e’en

The mighty Dumbledore. For days on end

Hath heavenward my gaze been ever turned,

In vain attempt to sight in Saturn’s realm

Amongst the silver pepper of the stars

Some wingèd messenger. Alas, no luck!

Oh, would that weeks were days, and days but hours

To swiftly end my summ’r of discontent.

 

_Enter Dobby by apparition._

 

**DOBBY** : Harry Potter! I found thee at last, o saviour of wizardkind!

 

**HAR** : _(aside)_ By Jove, what beast be this? For I confess

Its kind I never heard or saw before.

_(aloud)_ Peace! Peace! I pray thee, gentle beast,

Thy joyful cries to quell, lest thou disturb

The revels of mine uncle down below.

Yea, I am he whom they call boy-who-lived,

That curse is plainly writ upon my brow.

But what art thou, and wherefore com’st thou hence?

**DOB** : Dobby, sir! Dobby the house-elf, at thy service!

As for the cause of this intrusion bold,

Thy pardon I beseech a thousand times!

A mortal peril lies in wait for thee

At Hogwarts School, if there shouldst thou return,

And thus I pray thee and beseech in tears

To flee that place and ne’er again come back!

 

**HAR** : Alas that sacrifice I cannot make:

Deny my birthright and forsake my friends.

Still I am wrecked by curiosity

About this evil. Gentle elf, I pray,

Do take a seat, and tell me more of this.

 

**DOB** : _(in tears)_ Thou art not only greatest of thy kind,

But also good and kind amongst them most,

For ne’er before hath wizard chose to sit

With such an one as I on equal ground!

 

**HAR** : Be not surprised, and bear in mind thou hence

That I attach but little consequence

To rank or wealth, or blood and pedigree.

But still my question thou dost avoid.

Who maketh such a threat upon my life?

I charge thee speak, and tell me of his name!

 

**DOB** : Oh sir, thou hast a noble soul indeed.

Yet _He_ hath brought much nobler ones to end,

And though his dreadful pow’r thou twice hast faced –

 

**HAR** : Thou speak’st of Voldemort –

 

**DOB** :                                                  Ah, nay! Say not

The dreadful name!

 

**HAR** :                          The one whose name thou fearst

Was twice now vanquish’d by mine own hand.

Hath he once more the grave defied – and how?

A straight and earnest answer I demand!

 

**DOB** : Hush! No more of this to speak dare I.

Already by my nightly sojourn here

Guilty am I of dreadful mutiny

Against my master and his house entire.

The strict commandments of my ancient race

Demand repentance for this horrid crime

By well-deservèd pain, which I endure

Dishonour’s dreadful mark to thus abjure.

Out, out, damned stain!                                  [ _He strikes himself_.]

 

**HAR** :                          Nay, stay thy hand!

I shall not stand for such an one as thee

That ‘gainst me hath no crime or trespass done

To suffer retribution undeserved.

And what is more, methinks thy warnings seem

Unsound, for if the evil thou describ’st

Doth truly walk the mighty castle’s halls,

I should have had a letter from someone

Headmaster Dumbledore maybe, or p’r’aps

The head of noble Godric’s mighty house,

To which I have the honour to belong,

Foretelling the disaster that awaits

And bidding me the fortress to forsake

Lest my life be forfeit. Thus far no writ

Have I obtained, by hasty owl, or any other means.

And so thy claims cannot but foolish seem,

Like one who’d say our Sun goes round the earth

Or that the planets are in heaven fix’d.

 

**DOB** : Though fearful of thy righteous choler, sir,

I must confess their silence is my doing

For more than month I took away thy mail –

 

**HAR** : Thou wretchèd knave!

 

**DOB** :                                      In doing so I hoped

Thy forceful passion for thy friends to quell

With solitude, and thus compel thee leave

Thy school, to seek a better life elsewhere.

In vain, I see. I have no need of these.           [ _He produces the letters_.]

 

**HAR** : Away with thee, unrueful miscreant!

Thou com’st to grovel at my feet

And sing the praises of my wide-known name.

Yet now I find thou art to blame for th’hell

Wherein for weeks I have been forced to live!

Get thee away, and take thy proffered lies

With which thou wouldst augment my suffering!

 

**DOB** : Alas, thou seest not yet the truth, and so

I act in desperate to preserve thy life.

Forgive me, Harry Potter!

 

_Exit Dobby by apparition. A tumult is heard backstage, several crashes and screams._

 

**VERNON** ( _without_ ): BOY!

 

**HAR** : Cursed elf, what hast thou wrought? A bad enough case

Is by thy hand now tenfold worse transformed.

 

_Enter Vernon Dursley, enraged and covered in pudding._

 

**VER** : I’ll flay thee for this insult, freakish child!

Couldst thou not bear but for one evening’s length

Thy devilry to stay, and hold thy peace?

A most unmannerly irruption thou hast wrought

Upon my guests by thy unholy art

And loos’d the hounds of hell unto my house.

My long-awaited profits are undone:

Like wisps of mist or smoke they fly away.

 

**HAR** : It was not of my doing, sir, I swear.

**VER** : Thou hast the gall to look me in the face

And still spill forth naught but impudent lies?

Thy unashamèd insolence, methinks,

Deserveth double retribution!

 

_Enter an owl, bearing a letter. Harry takes it and attempts to read it, but Vernon snatches it from his hand._

 

Halloa, what have we here? Thou hast defied

Thine own freakish laws, and justice comes!

I am again proved right in my belief

That criminality is passed in blood,

Like foul mutation it doth stain the line

For generations. I see this is the fault

Of both of thy accurs’d progenitors.

The bitch’s flaws are found in pups as well.

That understood, thy punishment begins to-morrow.

Three days of food shalt thou be deprived,

And kept within this room, save once a day.

If but a squeak I hear from thee, then pray

That thou hadst perished on that fateful eve,

For I shall thrash all devilry from thee!

 

_Exit Vernon_.

 

**HAR** : A righteous choler sets my blood aflame,

With rage and indignation I am rife!

Let slip my wand from its accustomed sheath,

And fire-eyed fury be my conduct now!

But for the law, which meddles yet again

And robs me of a most deserv’d revenge.

If Dumbledore my father truly loved,

My mother too, as much as child of his,

Wherefore condemneth he their progeny

To live in such a wretched hell as this,

Of magic stripped, and made to hear each day

Their hallow’d names dragged through the dust

By muggle swine! Oh, ‘tis too much!

 

_A rumbling sound is heard in the distance._

 

But soft, what sound through yonder window breaks?

Another ghastly apparition, come

To taunt and mock me in my endless pain?

Or p’r’aps a long-awaited messenger

Delayed by heavy load of writ and goods?

Nay, ‘tis not a sound of nature, that I’m sure.

 

_The noise is heard again, much louder._

 

Is it a fact – or am I lost in dreams?

A light blue car I plainly see beyond,

Bewitch’d through air to fly like nimble broom,

It sails the currents of Jove’s nightly tide.

And lo, it cometh not alone,

The three red manes within I’d ne’er mistake!

 

_Enter Fred, George and Ron Weasley, in a flying Ford outside the window._

 

**FRED** : What ho, our Harrikins?

 

**GEORGE** :                             ‘Tis he, the same!

The Weasley taxi service is arrived,

 

**FRED** : And offers its most valued customer,

 

**GEO** : A compliment’ry trip away from here!

 

**HAR** : A more dispensing cabbie ne’er I seen,

At once I take thee on thy gen’rous price.

Fred! George! Ah, how I’ve missed your jokes,

Your pranks and quips and quiddities all round!

 

**RON** : My heart with sweet relief is now welled

On seeing that my dear friend is safe.

For many days, now passed, I feared the worst.

At first I wrote thee reams on reams of parchment,

Methought it then that our agèd owl,

Decrepit Errol, hath become too slow

Or could not find his way to muggle homes,

And though I tried again and again,

From thine abode there came answer none.

Unlearnèd being in art of ‘ _fellytone_ ’

And other such, that muggles use in place

Of owls or floo, decided I to come upon

Thyself in person. My brothers having then convinc’d

Of thy most urgent want of friendly aid,

Our father’s car to borrow we conspired

And swiftly fly, conceal’d by Nyx’s shroud,

In full defiance of the law

( **FRED** : And risking mother’s burning wrath!)

To spring thee from thy muggle prison.

 

**GEO** : And bring thee back with us as honoured guest

To our clan’s ancestral home, the Burrow.

 

**HAR** : With ye I gladly shall abscond this night.

I would have leapt into the car by now,

If not for these unyielding iron bars.

 

**FRE** : Leave that to us!

 

**GEO:**                           And stand back, pray!

 

_They attach chains to the grates on the window and, by the car’s power, pull them free with a mighty crash_.

 

**VER** ( _without_ ): Not again, freak!

 

**HAR** : Make haste, for almost no more time remains!

Here, take my trunk, and trusty owl’s cage. [ _He hands them the items._ ]

 

_Knocks on the door are heard._

 

**VER** (without): I’ll have thy hide for this, whoreson!

 

**HAR** : At last I quit this thrice accursèd house

To greener fields and brighter days I go. [ _He enters the car_.]

 

_Exeunt omnes by flying automobile._

 

* * *

 

**A/N:** Act I will contain three more scenes, covering the events until Hogwarts.


End file.
